iRant: This language I love

I'm proud of the fact that I've stayed away from this rant for so long, simply because it is without a doubt the most f'ing annoying subject in my life at any one time. Every reminder, launches me into a fury that is perfectly replicated every. Single. Time.

I can't help it, I know it seems strange to be able to positively identify a flaw but then continue to perfectly replicate it time and time again, in fact you'd be forgiven for considering it 'retarded' because in short...it is. Fortunately I'm not asking for your understanding...I'd just like you to hear me out.


Let there be no misunderstanding here, I'm not suggesting this rant is in anyway exclusive, its not a new line of thought or in any way a break through. I'm sure it has been acknowledged before... For you to fully see where I'm coming from with this rant I'll need you to take a journey with me...back to my school days!

-Back Ground-

Simple Simon is simple, has always been, however Simple Simon...tries very hard to analyse the details because he knows he's 'simple'. Due to this attention to details I was decent at school, not overly studious (short attention span) but when I put my mind to it, I produced results.



-Scene 1 act 1-
Setting - Secondary school, Set 2 English class Yr 10 (tenth grade). Simple Simon sits at the back of the class.

Teacher: "Class, today we are not going to read from any books, or reconstruct any poems or text. I thought we'll have an improv day...I'll start on a subject area and we'll see where we end up.

Class: "Yeeeeeessss!" [begin to get a little rowdy]

Teacher: "OK class calm down, lets start with this, a quick fire spelling test, I'll call a person and tell them to spell a word. It will be easy words, no pressure its just for fun." "Martin spell 'Castor'"

Martin stands up and says "C.A.S.T.O.R"

Teacher: "Very good" "Spencer spell 'Spill'"

Spencer stands up and says "S.P.I.L.L"

Teacher: "Excellent! Simon spell 'Knife'"

Now before I continue I have to let you know, that I did it on purpose. [Right continue]

I stand up and say "N.I.F.E", everyone in the class goes quiet and there is one child in the middle row who can't help but laugh out loud. The teacher quickly says

Teacher: "Ruben stop laughing, its an easy mistake to make. Simon, you have made a mistake, care to try the word again?"

I said "Sure Miss, N.I.F.E. I didn't spell the word incorrectly thats how its supposed to be spelt."

Teacher: "Now now Simon, you know the word is K.N.I.F.E, there is a silent 'K'"

She should never had said that!

Simon: "Miss about this silent 'K' what is the point in it, if its silent why bother putting it into the spelling, I mean imagine how many people have spelt a word correctly only to be told its incorrect because of some silent letter that has no presence in the verbal morality, I mean its not as if we spell each word we utter... so whats the point?"

Now as you can imagine the teacher is stunned, that kid that thought my spelling was funny is now silenced and the classroom has now turned into my army...

Teacher: "Simon, just because something does not announce its presence or stand out so you take heed of it, does not mean it does not exist or you shouldn't respect it. Take gravity or air for example, you've never seen either of those before, yet you respect their existence"

Can anyone say "Power Shift!". My army all turned and looked to see what comeback I would issue to such an eloquent display of reasoning. I won't put up a front she would have won many battles with that one submission, but she made a fatal mistake...she brought Science to an English lesson and Science is about the details ... what is Simple Simon good with?

So I say: "Miss, you make a very valid point with regards to 'something' not having to announce its presence in order to be respected or acknowledged and on that point I concede, however, gravity and air have very discrete ways of letting you know when they are 'not' present, namely you float up without gravity and you can't breath without air. So in a funny way if your on the ground and your breathing, they have both respectively announced their presence... This is where the silent letter fiasco falls flat on its face, because there is no rhyme, reason or rule for when a silent letter is to be utilised. I mean, I could literally say my name is to be spelt P.s.y.m.o.n and every time you spell it S.i.m.o.n I would be well within my rights to tell you your wrong...it just doesn't make any sense. Whats worst Miss, is we have always been taught that if a word is difficult to spell we should try to spell it phonetically, the word 'Phonetic' is a rouse in itself because my immediate attempt at spelling it would be F.O.N.E.T.I.C. How do we know that we shouldn't use phonetics for words with silent letters, better still how are we supposed to know a word has a silent letter if its silent? Miss, way back in history I'm sure the spoken word came before the written, so it stands to reason that words written would have been phonetically identical to the spoken version, so where or when did the inclusion of all this silent letter mockery occur?"

Remember that power shift I mentioned earlier? Completely neutralised.

The rest of the class looked to the teacher for answers she could not provide. About a week later I was moved to Set 1 English...I'm not quite sure why...

Looking back on that episode and knowing what I know now (I actually know some teachers) I must have been a difficult pupil. I say that because teachers teach a syllabus and the syllabus is often f@&%rey, the teachers have little to do with the origin of the content, they are just the masters of the delivery, much like Milli Vanilli in the late 80's/90's.

So fast forward a couple decades and we now have a boundless dictionary, some smart alec tried to claim we had over a 1million words to the English language back in June 2009. The response to the claim was mixed and it wasn't decided either way, although I take comfort in the following quote

The Vocabulary of a widely diffused and highly cultivated living language is not a fixed quantity circumscribed by definite limits... there is absolutely no defining line in any direction: the circle of the English language has a well-defined centre but no discernible circumference.

Now in plain English, the above quote just means, 'We know where English started, but it has no perceived end'. This is both an interesting and dangerous concept (the danger only comes for the connoisseurs of language). Languages outside of English were bounded, that is, they had a finite number of words that made up their diction. This has its advantages and disadvantages in my opinion.

Advantages

1. The language would potentially be less open to extremely broad interpretations (written)
2. Words could possibly be more meaningful....?
3. There is a high probability that the mockery that is the 'silent' letter would not exist.


Disadvantages

1. Language could be less expressive
2. Concepts explored by the use of extensive vocab could be less likely [not sure about this one]
3. We could lose amusing institutions such as sarcasm

Whether good or bad, there is one thing that is definitely true and that is, the growth of the English language has forced the grow of others. In some cases its been a brute force attack, example:

Words/vehicles such as Car and Aeroplane have only been in wide circulation in the last 100 years. At introduction they would have been available to a select few, but gradually over time and as they became more affordable they were pushed to the masses.

So take your mind to a small village in Africa, the villagers have seen these Aeroplanes flying overhead, they've never been in one, they have never seen one up close, but they guess it must have someone controlling it. They have no real name for it, because generally speaking 'transport' is a finite term that is proceeded by a type e.g air transport, land transport, sea transport. For the African language in question this is not an issue, after all, its transport that is in the air on the ground or on the sea. However these terms will not satisfy English, simply because:

Hot air balloons
Blimps
Aeroplanes
Helicopters
Fighter Jets

are all modes of air transport but have very different methods of completing the same task ('ish' work with me here).

Anyway, as time progresses and the reality of the plane that used to fly over the village comes closer to home (relatives coming from far on planes), the language could quite possibly need to include the new terms above, the problem is, there are no literal translations for the terms and so they get added to the language as is..and hence the language of the village/nation has grown by 5 'new' types of air transport. Multiply this by every 'new' invention made and you potentially have a language littered with words that have no real place/meaning in the language they are being used in. Face it, air transport is air transport, its literally transport that travels in the air, the intricacies are not necessary (IMO).

The danger with this is, English is becoming a widely spoken language worldwide and with this, increasing numbers of youth are not learning their mother tongue or are not learning it properly. Thus bringing about the death of languages, that is not that the language doesn't exist anymore, but the number of fluent speakers is dwindling...


And so to come full circle, why the heck do we have silent letters in words!?! My simple brain cannot justify it....aaarrrrgggggghhhh it annoys me so much, if I had it my way:

Knife = Nife
Cycle = Si-kul
Psycho = Si-co
Elephant = Elefant
xylophone = Zi-lofone

Done...simple.


As if the silent letter saga wasn't enough you also have words that sound the same but are spelt differently:

Might, mite.
Light, lite.
Weight, wait.
Waste, waist.

How are you to know which is right and when? (Imagine you were new to the language)

Oh this language I love...

iRant: You mean you didn't cater for me?

I might have lied in my last post This language I love, not about whether I love the language or not, but about it being the single most annoying thing at any one time. I say that because I remembered this next rant worthy subject and realised it is one of my pet peeves.

This is bound to ruffle a few feathers...

Scenario 1

Your out on the town, having a good time on a budget, your not loaded, but your not on the poverty line (although your ever mindful of its presence). It gets to just gone midnight and your about to go onto the night club after perusing the local bars, you check your pockets, no cash, you check your wallet only a tenner left. You do the smart thing and go to the cash point (ATM).

You stick your card in, mess up the pin entry the first time then get the right combination of numbers on the second go, you retrieve your card from the machine and wait patiently for your cash to be dispensed.

Some 15 seconds later, proof of your last 28 days of labour materialise as crisp notes breathe the city air. You check the sum discretely, ensuring the exact amount requested is actually accounted for.

You fold the notes neatly and slide them into your wallet as you place your card back into its 'place'. Just as you fold the wallet and put it into your pocket you hear a faint sound, it sounded like somebody spoke, in fact you know it was a persons voice, you even recall the words uttered "Got any spare change". You look left and right, but you can't see anybody, you look skyward and again, nobody. "Excuse me, got any spare change" you look down and there is a person bundled in blankets with an outstretched cup and a sympathetic facial expression.

Scenario 2

You walk past the local youth gang and enter the local sweet shop, you ask the 'guvna' for a 20 pack of your favourite cancer sticks. Mr Patel/Singh/Shah grabs your selected product off the shelf behind him, 'tots' you up and asks for "£4.50 please". You pay the man, wish him a good day and set off on your way. You haven't had a cigarette in the last 5 hours, just finished eating and could well do with one, so you unwrapped the WMD's as you walk to the shop exit.

As you leave the shop your first cigarette goes into your mouth and you light it up. You pass the local youth gang again, just as you get 2 steps past them you hear "Excuse me mate, have you got a spare cigarette?".

The Analysis

The above are examples of a daily occurrence. Most people have experienced either of the scenarios or at least been witness to them.
Now I know these two scenarios are not high up on the agenda as far as 'critical' issues are concerned and I'm not even going to try and argue that they are. I would however like to ask 'why in Jesus' [disclaimer] do people think that its ever appropriate to ask "do you have a spare?".

No...seriously, let us explore this flawed concept.

Deconstruction of scenario 1.

The person in the blankets has strategically positioned themselves by the cash dispensing machine, note this position, because the strategy attached to it is of paramount importance. Do not, for one minute think that being close to an electronic device such as an ATM could possibly afford one who is in its proximity extra warmth, because most 'off premises' ATM's are mounted onto solid walls with all the electronic 'gizmundo-try' neatly tucked behind the wall. So no, the person is not there for the warmth.

The person is not working as part of some community initiative to help crack down on ATM robberies, the person is not part of an undercover S.W.A.T team, who has a number of undercover colleagues in the local area (that is actually a good idea....might suggest it).

No ladies and gentlemen, this individual is attempting to use your own guilt against you, see you've just withdrawn money, so there is no way you can honestly say you don't have any (you know that is your usual excuse, its OK, you are not alone). So now you have a 'Mexican stand off', if you have no intention of giving the person any money, thats fine, but how to translate that becomes your problem. Can you see how this person has added extra stress to your evening?


Deconstruction of scenario 2.

There is an element of danger to this scenario, primarily because it involves the 'local mob' so to speak. You see, lying to the local youth, may not present any trouble today, or even tomorrow, but it could be a contributory factor to some mishaps at a later date.

Again, like the person in scenario 1, the positioning of the mob is very strategic, its even well thought out to a degree. You see what you have to appreciate is these guys (and girls) are gathered at a point where they can clearly see the local shop and the pathway that leads to it, giving a fantastic view of what you have just bought!

The problem now comes because, you walked passed the gathered mass and they saw your hands were empty, they saw you walking into the shop, they saw you leave the shop, they saw you open that fresh box of cigarettes! So now if you deny having any, you've created a negative atmosphere, you also have to remember the 'mob' is local...they know where you live! Again they are using your guilt against you.


The Rant (Please excuse the profanity)

I used to be plagued by the above scenarios. The scenario's above are not one's that I have necessarily been through myself (I don't smoke), but they both hold true the method of using your own guilt against you. I literally spent years trying to avoid any of the two above scenario's or at least the possible confrontation they could be the catalyst to.

I would pretend to be on the phone whilst at the ATM so as not 'hear' the request for 'spare change' or I would advise that one puts their newly purchased goods in their pockets. Some might call it sheepish, cowardly even, I consider it making the ultimate peace and trying to get on as normal.

That was until I really sat down and thought about it one day. When I got to the mathematics of the situation I decided I no longer had to use any avoidance tactics.

Getting back at the guilt pushers

Person in blankets: "Excuse me, have you got any spare change"

Simple Simon: *Looks in pocket, pulls out all the loose change, counts it, then says* "Nope, I left my house with exactly £4.26 and I still have £4.26" *Replaces change and continues on his way*

Now I know the immediate reaction to this is going to be a mixture of laughter and possibly some outrage, but let us remain focused, the entire setup of the scenario
is designed to f%£k with your conscience.

Yes we know that not everyone is fortunate, yes we know that we should try to help and support those that are less fortunate, if I'm not mistaken all religious scriptures have some passage about helping the 'needy'. I just don't recall any scripture saying the 'needy' were authorised to use tactics to inveigle you into helping them.

My local 'ATM minder' cottoned on to my quick whit and devised a plan to thwart me, he changed the order of his words in his question from

"Excuse me, have you got any spare change"

to

"Excuse me, have you got any change you can spare"

Very clever 'Mr ATM minder', but the answer is still "NO". Because in truth, lets face it, you work 35+hrs a week for 4weeks, then you get a payslip, on the payslip the government openly brandish the fact that they've seen your money before you have and they have taken their share, before you've even seen your money. They then give you whats left, problem is the amount before deductions is about 1k more than what your left with, your local hospital is rated worst in the country and the police take 20mins to respond to any emergency call. Do you see any 'spare change' or 'change to spare' in that formula? I can't.


I'm not forgetting the 'spare cigarette' scenario either.

Mob member: "Excuse me mate, have you got a spare cigarette?"

Simple Simon: *Opens box, counts cigarettes, 19 remaining + one in mouth = 20* "Nope, I went into the shop without any, I asked the shop keeper for a box of 20, he gave me this box, I gave him £4.50".

I'm sorry but where do people get off? You don't walk into a shop and say "Could I have a 20box of B&H and 1 spare please" or "Could I have a pack of cigarettes and all the spares you can afford to give me?" It's just bullshit, you know what, I'm even going to suggest it has something to do with the English language and its insincerity, because "Excuse me mate, have you got a spare cigarette?" is basically saying, "You've paid your hard earned money for cancer sticks, so I can come and ponce one off you for free" f%$king cheek!

Funny thing is, ever the businessman, the local shop keeper has now cottoned on to this 'spare' phenomenon that has gripped the nation. Apparently you are now able to buy a 'single'. For those who are not in the know a 'single' is 1 cigarette out of a box, this solitary cigarette is sold for about 25p, not a lot in single terms. Its only when you multiply that 25p by 20 (the contents of a medium sized box of cigarettes) that you come to realise the corner shop owner has identified a market and is making 50p per box extra from it...very clever.

This can been considered a community service, because if you are not as brazen as Simple Simon, you could simply assert "You may buy a 'single' from the local shop" to your local youth gang. They are fully aware of this fact and so it may serve you well to give them the required 25p for said single. However be warned, you are setting your self up for this to be a regular occurrence, or at least as regularly as you pass the local youth gang.

Personally, I'd tell these people to take a running jump!

No I didn't cater for you! What have you done for me lately?