iRant: You mean you didn't cater for me?

I might have lied in my last post This language I love, not about whether I love the language or not, but about it being the single most annoying thing at any one time. I say that because I remembered this next rant worthy subject and realised it is one of my pet peeves.

This is bound to ruffle a few feathers...

Scenario 1

Your out on the town, having a good time on a budget, your not loaded, but your not on the poverty line (although your ever mindful of its presence). It gets to just gone midnight and your about to go onto the night club after perusing the local bars, you check your pockets, no cash, you check your wallet only a tenner left. You do the smart thing and go to the cash point (ATM).

You stick your card in, mess up the pin entry the first time then get the right combination of numbers on the second go, you retrieve your card from the machine and wait patiently for your cash to be dispensed.

Some 15 seconds later, proof of your last 28 days of labour materialise as crisp notes breathe the city air. You check the sum discretely, ensuring the exact amount requested is actually accounted for.

You fold the notes neatly and slide them into your wallet as you place your card back into its 'place'. Just as you fold the wallet and put it into your pocket you hear a faint sound, it sounded like somebody spoke, in fact you know it was a persons voice, you even recall the words uttered "Got any spare change". You look left and right, but you can't see anybody, you look skyward and again, nobody. "Excuse me, got any spare change" you look down and there is a person bundled in blankets with an outstretched cup and a sympathetic facial expression.

Scenario 2

You walk past the local youth gang and enter the local sweet shop, you ask the 'guvna' for a 20 pack of your favourite cancer sticks. Mr Patel/Singh/Shah grabs your selected product off the shelf behind him, 'tots' you up and asks for "£4.50 please". You pay the man, wish him a good day and set off on your way. You haven't had a cigarette in the last 5 hours, just finished eating and could well do with one, so you unwrapped the WMD's as you walk to the shop exit.

As you leave the shop your first cigarette goes into your mouth and you light it up. You pass the local youth gang again, just as you get 2 steps past them you hear "Excuse me mate, have you got a spare cigarette?".

The Analysis

The above are examples of a daily occurrence. Most people have experienced either of the scenarios or at least been witness to them.
Now I know these two scenarios are not high up on the agenda as far as 'critical' issues are concerned and I'm not even going to try and argue that they are. I would however like to ask 'why in Jesus' [disclaimer] do people think that its ever appropriate to ask "do you have a spare?".

No...seriously, let us explore this flawed concept.

Deconstruction of scenario 1.

The person in the blankets has strategically positioned themselves by the cash dispensing machine, note this position, because the strategy attached to it is of paramount importance. Do not, for one minute think that being close to an electronic device such as an ATM could possibly afford one who is in its proximity extra warmth, because most 'off premises' ATM's are mounted onto solid walls with all the electronic 'gizmundo-try' neatly tucked behind the wall. So no, the person is not there for the warmth.

The person is not working as part of some community initiative to help crack down on ATM robberies, the person is not part of an undercover S.W.A.T team, who has a number of undercover colleagues in the local area (that is actually a good idea....might suggest it).

No ladies and gentlemen, this individual is attempting to use your own guilt against you, see you've just withdrawn money, so there is no way you can honestly say you don't have any (you know that is your usual excuse, its OK, you are not alone). So now you have a 'Mexican stand off', if you have no intention of giving the person any money, thats fine, but how to translate that becomes your problem. Can you see how this person has added extra stress to your evening?


Deconstruction of scenario 2.

There is an element of danger to this scenario, primarily because it involves the 'local mob' so to speak. You see, lying to the local youth, may not present any trouble today, or even tomorrow, but it could be a contributory factor to some mishaps at a later date.

Again, like the person in scenario 1, the positioning of the mob is very strategic, its even well thought out to a degree. You see what you have to appreciate is these guys (and girls) are gathered at a point where they can clearly see the local shop and the pathway that leads to it, giving a fantastic view of what you have just bought!

The problem now comes because, you walked passed the gathered mass and they saw your hands were empty, they saw you walking into the shop, they saw you leave the shop, they saw you open that fresh box of cigarettes! So now if you deny having any, you've created a negative atmosphere, you also have to remember the 'mob' is local...they know where you live! Again they are using your guilt against you.


The Rant (Please excuse the profanity)

I used to be plagued by the above scenarios. The scenario's above are not one's that I have necessarily been through myself (I don't smoke), but they both hold true the method of using your own guilt against you. I literally spent years trying to avoid any of the two above scenario's or at least the possible confrontation they could be the catalyst to.

I would pretend to be on the phone whilst at the ATM so as not 'hear' the request for 'spare change' or I would advise that one puts their newly purchased goods in their pockets. Some might call it sheepish, cowardly even, I consider it making the ultimate peace and trying to get on as normal.

That was until I really sat down and thought about it one day. When I got to the mathematics of the situation I decided I no longer had to use any avoidance tactics.

Getting back at the guilt pushers

Person in blankets: "Excuse me, have you got any spare change"

Simple Simon: *Looks in pocket, pulls out all the loose change, counts it, then says* "Nope, I left my house with exactly £4.26 and I still have £4.26" *Replaces change and continues on his way*

Now I know the immediate reaction to this is going to be a mixture of laughter and possibly some outrage, but let us remain focused, the entire setup of the scenario
is designed to f%£k with your conscience.

Yes we know that not everyone is fortunate, yes we know that we should try to help and support those that are less fortunate, if I'm not mistaken all religious scriptures have some passage about helping the 'needy'. I just don't recall any scripture saying the 'needy' were authorised to use tactics to inveigle you into helping them.

My local 'ATM minder' cottoned on to my quick whit and devised a plan to thwart me, he changed the order of his words in his question from

"Excuse me, have you got any spare change"

to

"Excuse me, have you got any change you can spare"

Very clever 'Mr ATM minder', but the answer is still "NO". Because in truth, lets face it, you work 35+hrs a week for 4weeks, then you get a payslip, on the payslip the government openly brandish the fact that they've seen your money before you have and they have taken their share, before you've even seen your money. They then give you whats left, problem is the amount before deductions is about 1k more than what your left with, your local hospital is rated worst in the country and the police take 20mins to respond to any emergency call. Do you see any 'spare change' or 'change to spare' in that formula? I can't.


I'm not forgetting the 'spare cigarette' scenario either.

Mob member: "Excuse me mate, have you got a spare cigarette?"

Simple Simon: *Opens box, counts cigarettes, 19 remaining + one in mouth = 20* "Nope, I went into the shop without any, I asked the shop keeper for a box of 20, he gave me this box, I gave him £4.50".

I'm sorry but where do people get off? You don't walk into a shop and say "Could I have a 20box of B&H and 1 spare please" or "Could I have a pack of cigarettes and all the spares you can afford to give me?" It's just bullshit, you know what, I'm even going to suggest it has something to do with the English language and its insincerity, because "Excuse me mate, have you got a spare cigarette?" is basically saying, "You've paid your hard earned money for cancer sticks, so I can come and ponce one off you for free" f%$king cheek!

Funny thing is, ever the businessman, the local shop keeper has now cottoned on to this 'spare' phenomenon that has gripped the nation. Apparently you are now able to buy a 'single'. For those who are not in the know a 'single' is 1 cigarette out of a box, this solitary cigarette is sold for about 25p, not a lot in single terms. Its only when you multiply that 25p by 20 (the contents of a medium sized box of cigarettes) that you come to realise the corner shop owner has identified a market and is making 50p per box extra from it...very clever.

This can been considered a community service, because if you are not as brazen as Simple Simon, you could simply assert "You may buy a 'single' from the local shop" to your local youth gang. They are fully aware of this fact and so it may serve you well to give them the required 25p for said single. However be warned, you are setting your self up for this to be a regular occurrence, or at least as regularly as you pass the local youth gang.

Personally, I'd tell these people to take a running jump!

No I didn't cater for you! What have you done for me lately?